So, my 35th birthday just passed, and it was a bit of a milestone for me. It sounds terribly dramatic, but I used to think I might not make it to thirty. There were many factors that clouded my vision into making me think this way, and I’m so grateful that most of those factors are no longer of consequence in my life anymore, because 35 has been pretty damned good so far!
I wasn’t expecting the shift to feel any particular whichway, but somehow it’s been affecting me more than I thought. I’ve been feeling the subtle morphings that come from gaining new experiences, of self-actualizing and changing the way I look at events and people and myself and all that good inner-workings stuff. Funnily enough, I never really considered how deeply it would affect the way I see my career and the things I choose to do to make a living. Turns out, it’s having an impact on everything I do, in a multitude of fascinating ways! Fascinating probably only to me, granted, but fascinating nonetheless.
So. HERE IT IS.
The Place Where Things Happen.
Holly’s World of Weirdness and Whimsy.
I realized I’d been putting a HUGE amount of pressure on myself to get this thing looking perfect, seeming flawless, feeling impeccable. I also realized that this very same pressure was permeating a whole part of my brain and affecting how I’ve been thinking about myself too. Which, ultimately, didn’t feel very good, and was silly because the whole point of this website is to archive and celebrate and add to my life and career and all my past successes and learning moments.
I certainly chew on that one a lot, though, the pressure we put on ourselves to be The Best, Most Perfect, Etc, so it’s something I wanted to state out loud. In blog form. Does that count as out loud?
Point being, all this pressure was making me feel bad somehow, even though I’ve been doing pretty awesome and ridiculous things that I absolutely love for the last month or so! Which leads me to believe that all this worry that started to pop up and paralyze me from getting anything done is counterproductive. So now that I’m thirty-freaking-five, I’m just not going to worry so much about things, especially when they make me happy and push me forward into uncharted realms.
I’m not going to worry about the fact that I failed to launch this site in time to promote the last burlesque show I just did with my pal DeAnne Smith, which was called StandUp/Strip Down, and was for the Just For Laughs festival and was amazing and fun and a great success! I’m just going to say that it was awesome, it happened, and I’m super-proud that it did! Here is a wonderful thing that I made, along with my costume designer, the awesome Daniela Smith-Fernandez, for one of my brand-new burlesque numbers, which I have lovingly dubbed Shangri-LaBia:
I’m also not going to worry that the next show I’m doing is currently the current show that I’m doing and that I haven’t given anyone enough notice to come see it (there are still two more nights to catch it if you’re really paying attention!). I’m also trying to wrap my head around the fact that it’s a sketch-comedy show that I’m guesting in, and that I’m doing something completely out of my comfort-zone , and that I’m a little scared! I’ve shaken my boobies for hundreds of people, and yet this performance frightens me, maybe because the character is super-grotesque, which shouldn’t even phase me because who cares, right? Right. Who cares? Me. Me, I still care, so I’ll just try to work on that one with my therapist. Yeah, I said “therapist.” Therapy is the new black.
I’m also not going to worry about another exciting thing that happened, which was that I was asked to be the model for a new clothing shop here in Montreal. Why would I worry about that, right? That’s probably one of the cooler things to happen to me, ever. Yep. Having giant pictures of me and my punim plastered on buses, walls and the inside of a fancy shopping mall shouldn’t worry me, should it? Well, it was worrying me, for CRAZY reasons! Reasons that shouldn’t ever be reasons, but are more like those dumb assumptions that my brain makes when I’m feeling insecure about, like, existing in the world, which is dumb and I shouldn’t be doing, but I do it anyway. And that having my mug shpackled (not a word, don’t care) on the side of a freaking building on Peel street, representing a boutique for curvy ladies while looking effervescent and, yeah I’ll say it, kinda HOT, might be the epitome of me being a narcissistic, horrible actress-person who comes to symbolize something that other women come to resent because we’re all conditioned to automatically hate each other, ourselves and the very things we desire for myriad different and insane reasons, and so on and so forth and, and, and….but then again, when I look at the pics, I just feel good. I actually like looking at myself. All the life I’ve had so far, that’s a gift, and these pictures of me feeling proud and pretty…well, they’re a gift too. So I’m not going to worry about that anymore either.
So, yes, I’m the new face and body of Boutique Monroe in the Cours Mont-Royal, a clothing line for curvy ladies, and I’m proud!!!! Proud because every time a casting director has called me overweight, every time a fitness-person has judged my body, every time I’ve hated myself in the mirror, I can now turn around and say that I’m a model. All five foot one inches and one hundred-and-I-don’t-know-how-many-pounds-I-am-because-I-don’t-own-a-scale-anymore-pounds of me! Model! Yeah!
So yeah. Not gonna worry about silly stuff anymore. Because, as you can see, it’s just silly.
That’s birthday gift-to-myself number one, the losing of the worry. And my reverse birthday-gift to you, a worry-free, happy website experience!
I welcome you, and all of your positive, constructive feedback. Talk to me, and I will talk to you! And don’t forget about the selfies in the bathroom!
Here goes nothing, universe.
Love and Pasties,
Holly, aka Miss Sugarpuss, aka La Mandorla!