Internets? Are you listening?
It’s me, Holly. This is my attempt to make something fun happen. It is, as the kids say, my Brand New Blog.
I don’t actually know if that’s what the kids are, in fact, saying. But I’m just going to say that’s what they say.
Let’s move on.
So hey! This is the La Mandorla Café…Blog. Welcome. To the fake café.
This is my new virtual meeting place for us to convene and “hangout” and “chat!” The place where I spew my thoughts into the ether for you to maybe read and then write back to or share or like or think about. The people out there, they tell me this is the new frontier. So here I am.
Space. Writing in space. The new, hopefully not too final, frontier.
So, here’s a secret thing you may not know about me, especially since this website is all about me, my work, my boobies, etc…but I am a pretty shy woman. You might even say that I can be painfully shy.
No matter how much time I spend in studio pretending to be a talking mouse or bird, or onstage dancing like a burlesque-pin-up-stripping-machine, or out and about at events promoting my shows or teaching classes or keeping busy or hanging out, I am sometimes totally paralyzed by social gatherings with human people, some of whom I know well, love lots, and want to see, when I feel like I need to talk. The nervousness about speaking up is something I have to steel myself against, often, almost every time something big is happening. I cancel plans, ghost at parties, get sweaty, second-guess myself. All that good stuff. All because sometimes I’m expected to talk.
And yes, I’m sure there’s a good explanation for why I get so anxious and worried and paranoid about speaking up.
Yes, it is probably a classic Introvert/Extrovert thing, and I could probably trace it back to childhood blahblahblah, or to some mean kid who used to beat me up in elementary school, or to the guys who used to grab my boobs and call me “skank” in high school, or to the teachers who humiliated me for asking a “stupid” question, or to the smarty-pantses of the world of Academia who sneered at my clumsy phrasing of…whatever. No matter what I accomplished, I never felt equipped to really speak my mind, to say what was in my heart, to maybe be wrong, to debate, to dare.
And I have a problem accepting that the fear is, simply, a part of me. For now.
This website was always meant to be a celebratory space as well as a professional one; In creating it, I wanted to be able to show and tell and sing and dance, because that’s what I do, but I also wanted to be able to be fully and completely myself. To speak in my own voice.
But that process was way harder than anything I could have ever dreamed up in a play or a film or a song. To be unabashedly and totally my Self seemed not only daunting as days passed and the site began to take shape, but ludicrous. Why should anyone want to read about me and my life? What could I possibly say or do that hadn’t already been done before? I am so late to the website/blog/internet game, what more could be here for me to mine?
And, worst of all, who the hell do I think I AM, anyway? Deep down, under all the costuming and makeup, underneath the voice work…who is Holly? And who cares?
Dramatic? Yes. That’s me all over. Melodrama Mama. But that’s just par for the course.
There have been more painful and frightening moments in my life than I ever wanted to think about these last few years. But it has taken me almost an entire year to get the courage up to make this beautiful site with the wonderfully patient Stephen Portman, web designer extraordinaire! How could exposing my brain be so much harder than exposing my bottom?
It’s been hard to admit to myself that I often lack enough confidence to follow through with my dreams. I teach women how to love themselves and be confident! How dare I not be confident? How dare I not be my most fabulous self? How dare I not honour my dreams?
And yet, it was exceedingly difficult to sit down and write my own thoughts out into this weird box that promises to format everything nicely.
But, here’s the thing. After all the fretting, the stalling, the weeping and the tantrums…
I’m grateful to finally be doing this.
I’m grateful to have pulled myself away from the scary cliff edge, to have taken a running leap, and thrown myself out into the vast unknown Internets.
I’m grateful to have friends and supporters who believe in me and in my production company and in my talents as a performer and a writer.
And I’m grateful to be here in Space, pouring out my soul to a screen. For whatever it’s worth.
I’ve been too shy to speak my mind for quite some time, and I’ve got catching up to do. I hope you’ll join me in all the fun I plan on having.
Love and pasties,